A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.?? Each time
the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.??
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,"said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the
nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun?
"You see," laughed the bartender, every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

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Memorandum

TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: March 14, 2005
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: fuck it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck are you doing?
Sincerely, The Boss

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests.The last test had left his system upset. For hours he made several false-alarm trips to the bathroom.Finally giving up on going, he decided his latest urge to go to the bathroom was just another false alarm, so he stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea! He was SOOOO embarrassed! Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. As luck would have it, a drunk was walking by the hospital. Suddenly, the sheets landed on him! He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What in the world was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

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